Thank God for Retcon
by The Scarlet Pumpernickel 2.0
Summary: It was supposed to be crack, but became more serious and depressing. Sort of Jack/Ianto:D


Thank God for Retcon

Author: Scarlet Pumpernickel 2.0

Rating: T

Pairings: Light Jack/Ianto (implied)

Genre: Humor/drabble.

Read and Review: Yes Please!

AN: …I don't actually like coffee... Sorry Ianto…

There has been a degree of debate as to where Ianto gets his coffee from, the very special brew that no-one can ever brew, _but him_.

Some theories are as follows; supermarket, secret Peruvian contact, he knows Gods phone- number and he climbs a mountain and picks each individual bean!

Unfortunately all of these theories are wrong.

The only coffee that comes of a supermarket is instant and Ianto wouldn't touch instant with a ten-foot clown pole. Peruvian coffee is too hit and miss so for Ianto so that's a no go (but to be fair most coffee is too risky for Ianto).

Gods phone number? If he had Gods phone number then there would be no bad coffee and Jack would never wear clothes. Lastly picking each bean individually would be an amazing waste of beans, as he would probably reject one if it had dirt on it.

No there is a simple and obvious answer to this ancient and mystifying puzzle, and that is well you shall soon see that for yourself.

"Ianto" Jack called out, he looked all around the Hub and he still eluded him. Finally Jack sat on the sunken in old couch and tried to think where his favorite tea-boy might be.

It was harder than he had anticipated there weren't that many places that Ianto went, as least not without telling him or Gwen.

Unfortunately Gwen hadn't come in for work yet which meant that all Jack had to do with his time was worry about where Ianto was.

That and the bane of his existence he glanced up at his office and although he couldn't see it from here he knew there was a mountainous pile of paperwork awaiting him.

Who knew that destroying an abandoned preschool could cause so much_ paperwork_?

Sighing deeply he stood up, just as he did so Gwen walking in mobile in hand talking to her husband Rhys.

Jack couldn't help but smile they hadn't been married for long and the wedding has been a complete farce.

Just thinking about that day reminded him of how stubborn Gwen was he was glad that he took a chance on that woman. That decision hadn't been very popular with the higher up's, but he had forced them to listen to him for once.

Even though she was _very_ pregnant with an alien baby she was resolute about getting marriage. "Even if it kills me" a phrase that didn't really apply to Jack.

But one that Gwen _meant_ if she said it.

Sitting up sharply Jack remembered, Torchwood owns a lot of buildings, (they've had to when they had to hide some evidence), all he had to do was search them and maybe…

Jack sighed, he knew that it was one hell of a long-shot, but it was either that or face his own personal hell. Besides he _needed_ some Ianto time, (a new registered time that comes either every half hour or as long as a few days, depending on circumstances).

Eventually Jack discovered Ianto's hideout; he stood at the doorway of a building that had been put to an amazingly good use.

"Oh my god! "This is where you get the coffee from?" Jack exclaimed startling Ianto who was watering some plants.

"Yes, Jack' Ianto said his voice dead-pan, as if owning a secret greenhouse filled with amazing coffee was a completely normal event (in fact one in six…hundred…thousand Welsh people grow their own coffee)*.

Jack looked around shocked; he still couldn't get over the fact that Ianto grows his own coffee. That and he looked really hot in his gardening gear.

"How do you find time to do this?"

"I don't sleep much" Ianto admitted.

"That makes sense", Jack conceded.

Apparently Ianto grows the beans himself, Jack kept thinking that as he gazed at the amazing work that Ianto was doing in his spare time.

When asked he told Jack that he got the precise method from an ancient and sacred text-the internet- and every Thursday he goes and picks the very best beans. It's as simple as that.

"Why go to all that effort Ianto?"

"I mean I love your coffee but don't you have enough work to do as it is without giving yourself more work?" Jack asked as he walked amongst Ianto's vast plantation.

"Especially since we lost…" his sentence trailed off, he didn't want to finish afraid of where his thoughts would go.

Ianto shook his head, "you say that as if this was work, I mean its hard work-Jack sniggered and wouldn't stop until Ianto stared him down-but it stops me thinking about…other things"

Nobody said anything for a while.

"How long have you been doing this for?"

"Since I started working for you"

That's then it finally hit Jack, this plantation is what stops him thinking about the darkness of this job.

Gwen has Rhys, Owen had drink and sex, Tosh had her technology, I always wondered what Ianto had to chase away his demons…this must be it.

Ianto didn't reply for a long while, Jack was aware of how awkward this conversation was, but he thought that any amount of awkwardness or pain was worth Ianto Jones.

It took all of his will power not to hug him, or do something drastic right there and then, maybe…

Then finally Ianto replied "because coffee is supposed to make you feel invigorated and ready for anything, don't drink coffee that tastes like a dirty musty towel", Ianto replied his voice becoming more passionate as he spoke about something that he clearly thought strongly about.

Ianto moved over to a small kitchen, "while you're here would you like a cup?" Ianto offered sweetly.

"Sure, I still can't believe this, remember Ianto I…" Jack said just before he took a deep gulp of his coffee,

And promptly fell asleep from the Retcon in his 'cup of Joe'; he fell asleep before he could finish his sentence

Ianto dragged him over to a couch, that's the third time he's found this place", he complained.

He stood and watched the captain sleep for a little while, "thank god for Retcon".

As he walked back to his coffee plants, he couldn't help but wonder what his captain was going to say.

_I'm sure if it's important enough he'll say it someday _he lied to himself.

AN: I thought of this when I read "Consequences" a fantastic Torchwood novel. In particular the story "Virus"; where Ianto complains about crappy coffee, the, musty towel thing.

I thought where does Ianto get his coffee from? And so this was born.

I really wish I could draw 'because I was at the instant coffee section of Aldi and I imagined Ianto seeing it and just falling to his knees yelling why, before being led away by Jack.

If anyone wants to draw it go ahead, just let me know 'cause I wanna see it.

Thanks and please R&R, like all Fanfiction authors my ego is directly tied into the quantity of reviews.

I didn't mean to make it kinda sad, but it sorta ended up that way if anyone has any questions then don't hesitate to ask.

* Are there even that many Welsh people?


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